Attention Prospective Birthparents: Heads Up!

For those who are entering the adoption system for the first time, two gigantic truths stand out. First, service providers are not all alike. They may smile equal amounts and say similar things, but they are not all the same. Second, adoption is an extraordinarily consequential matter; there are few experiences in life that can match its life-altering effects. So what are we to conclude when we put these truths together? We say, “Heads up!” Potential consumers of adoption services need to approach the system with caution and discernment.

Many women and couples dealing with untimely pregnancies are looking for a port in the storm. A bit of friendliness is all they ask. As understandable as that reflex may be, we believe they would be better served by doing a little more research. Painfully, it sometimes seems that people do a better job of shopping for televisions than they do for adoption providers.

We urge you to go to bat for your child. Finding a really strong program is an important way for you to express your love for your child. Even if you take pride in being good-natured and easy to get along with, in this venture we urge you to be a tiger. A bit of extra effort can make an amazing difference. You will find the finest adoptive families—loving, reliable, hospitable, and well prepared—in the strongest programs because families of that caliber surely have done their homework. On-the-ball families insist on excellence.

So, exactly how does one tell the difference between a reliable provider and an unreliable one? Good question. Although the differences loom large over time, at first they often seem very small. Be prepared to roll up your sleeves and do some work. It’s well worth the effort to spend some time getting to know them. You’re looking for information, but just as importantly, you’re weighing their soul. Are they straightforward with you, or do you suspect they are telling you what they think you want to hear? You might test them a little. Act like you’re thinking about arranging a closed adoption and see how they react. If they are happy about it, you will know they are not true advocates for openness. Or you might have a friend call in the capacity of a prospective adoptive parent. Have your friend express some reservations about open adoption and see what they say. If they talk a different game to prospective adoptive parents, you know they can’t be trusted. If there is a local adoption search and support group, check with them about the provider’s reputation. Be ready to bail out at the 11th hour if need be because the true colors of a provider often don’t emerge until deep into the process. Remember, you don’t owe them anything, but you do owe your child nothing less than your best effort to find a loving home.

Be Sure To Ask:

Who is their primary client?
How often do women/couples considering adoption change their minds?
How are these “change of heart” situations are handled?
What post adoption services are provided?
At what point do decisions become irrevocable?
For detailed information (preferably written) regarding the process and educational material that prospective adoptive parents go through as they prepare to adopt
What happens if a child is born unwell?
About the best adoption they’ve ever handled.
About the worst adoption they’ve ever handled.
Exactly what they mean by open adoption.
How long they’ve done open adoption.
Why did they shift from closed to open?
Do they still do closed adoptions?
What problems have they encountered with their open adoptions?
How many adoptive parent “betrayals” have they experienced? How do they handle these situations?

Bad Signs:

You get the feeling they are telling you whatever they think you want to hear.
They are elusive in their descriptions of how things work.
They are fuzzy in their definition of open adoption.
They are ok with closed adoption.
They are willing to dodge the birthfather. (If they cut corners here, one wonders, where else and with whom else will they deviate from appropriate process?)
No written statement of philosophy.
No written statement of procedures.
No grievance policy.
They are eager to slop some money around.
They are inarticulate about things they’ve read and conferences they’ve attended.
They offer lots of promises and easy reassurances.
They only want to talk about adoption.
They spend quite a bit of time encouraging you to think about things from the adoptive parent perspective.
They restrict your chance to consider a wide range of prospective adoptive parents
They are inarticulate about conflict of interest situations. Make sure you know whose side are they on if disagreements arise.
They accept your initial thinking without challenging you to consider other options.
They are frustrated with all of the difficult questions you are asking.

To sum it up, we suggest you look for a program that is:

On Your Side: Please don’t presume this. In the best programs, you will be the primary client, but for an astounding number of service providers, you are the secondary client. They are out to make adoptive parents happy, and they need you in order for that to happen. Look for a program that is genuinely interested in serving your interests. Look for a program that protects you from pressure towards an adoption decision.
Child-Centered: Some programs are happy to do adoption in any shape or form, but others are resolved to do them with distinction. You’ll find that the best of programs don’t talk much about keeping everyone comfortable. Instead, they focus on ways to create the most promising future for the youngster.
Local: Whenever possible, we think you will be better served by a close-at-hand program. How can you be sure about people who are a long ways off? Working with local people, you will be less vulnerable and you will be in a better position to get to know them and hold them accountable. If the adoptive family lives nearby, chances are you will have far more contact with them.
Experienced: Watch out for programs that have a short history of providing open adoption. What took them so long to figure out that candor is a good idea? A program’s track record is far more important than their words.
Hospitable: You deserve respectful treatment. Adoption is all about trust, so you need to work with people who level with you. If you encounter a provider who is evasive or who talks only about the upside of adoption, walk on by.