Frequently Asked Questions for Prospective Birth Parents

What is the adoptive family allowed to know about me?
In a nutshell, everything except very private details that you may wish to keep to yourself. The explanation that accompanies our paperwork identifies four possible audiences for the information we gather: you (sometimes we learn about ourselves from well-crafted questions), the social worker, the adoptive family, and ultimately the child. We think transparency is of enormous benefit to the adoptive person. If adoptive parents are going to answer the youngster’s questions, they need full and accurate information. We believe that it is important for all of the participants to have “all the cards on the table.” When everyone is well informed, there are no “half secrets” to work around. We accomplish our goal of sharing comprehensive information by photocopying the forms you fill out and passing them on to the adoptive family.
How much does the adoptive family want to know about me?
Presumably everything. It would be a very worrisome sign if they were not hungry for information about their child’s background. Disinterest would signal to us that they might be trying to downplay the importance of his heritage.
How much will I know about the adoptive parents?
Just as they know just about everything about you, you will know just about everything about them. Each prospective adoptive family prepares a photo album full of pictures and questionnaires. We were pleased some years back when a birthmother mentioned in passing, “I know more about these families than I know about my best friends.”
What “qualifications” must a couple meet before they are accepted?
Every family goes through an educational process and through a home study. The home study is conducted in their home and takes into account their motivation, marriage, family of origin, thoughts on raising children, and their ideas about adoption. We collect references and send to Lansing for a computer clearance regarding criminal convictions and child abuse incidents. The process is very thorough, but it is not foolproof. It is important for you to use your own intuition in making sure these are solid folks.
Could the adoptive couple be from out of state?
Our prospective adoptive families are all from Northern Lower Michigan. We greatly prefer that our birthfamilies and adoptive families live reasonably close to each other so they can stay in touch without too much hassle. Besides, we live in a great part of the world.
How much can I be involved in choosing the couple for my child?
Totally. We wholeheartedly hope you will make the choice because no one knows this child’s potential the way you do. The typical process is to thoroughly study the portfolios and then meet the family of greatest interest (or families, if you prefer) for a no obligation “get to know each other” meeting. If for some reason a meeting went poorly, we would go back to the drawing board. If it goes well (as is almost always the case), the next step is a mutual planning session.
What information is needed from the birthfather?
We hope he will be involved because we know how important fathers are to their children. We would like to know as much about him as we do about the mother. Medical, genetic, and social information about him is of great interest and importance to the child. Sometimes it is not possible to gather this information, but, for the child’s sake, we certainly don’t want to give up too easily.
What exactly does the adoption file contain?
The file holds all the material we collect about the parties involved. Most notably, it includes medical history, social history, and legal forms.
Who has access to my adoption file?
The information you share is available to you, the adoptive family, and the child. Since we are licensed as a child-placing agency, a state auditor reviews a sampling of our files every year.
What are sealed records?
The idea of sealed records comes from years ago when adoptions were very secretive. As a consequence of sealed records, many adopted people were denied the opportunity to gain basic information about themselves. The heavy emphasis on secrecy in those days prompted adopted persons and birthparents to go to extraordinary means (sometimes sneaky and extralegal) to find the information and reassurance they craved.
What is open adoption?
A four-word question, but we’ve literally written books on this subject (Adoption Without Fear; The Spirit of Open Adoption; and Lifegivers: Framing the Birthparent Experience in Open Adoption). Succinctly stated, open adoption is a form of adoption in which the child enjoys an ongoing relationship with his or her birthfamily. It’s about cooperation, compassion, covenantal commitment, candor, and respect. It’s about preserving the youngster’s connection to his first family. When it comes together in classic fashion, it’s about friendship. We’ve offered open adoption since 1980, and we are very, very pleased with the results we’ve seen. We are fully committed to this approach and require that all of our prospective adoptive parents embrace this philosophy.
When do I sign the adoption papers?
Temporary papers allowing the baby to go home with the selected prospective parents are signed at the hospital. Our usual routine is to go to court to sign permanent papers about four weeks or so after the baby’s birth. We think that’s about right. It is long enough to gives you time to catch your breath and think things through very carefully, yet short enough that the prospective adoptive parents can survive the disappointment of altered plans in the event you decide to resume your “on duty” parenting responsibilities.
Once I sign the adoption papers, can I change my mind?
It’s very important for you to understand how this works. The temporary papers signed in the hospital are easily set aside. That is to say, you are completely free to change course prior to signing papers in court. Once the permanent papers are signed in court, there are a couple of things you could do in the three weeks that follow that might undo the decision. You could ask for a rehearing or you could appeal to a higher court, but there is no way to know what their decision might be. Either action could lead to an undoing of the decision, but they do not automatically undo them. Our best guess is that it is unlikely that a rehearing or appeal would lead to the undoing of the prior adoption decision. All this means that permanent papers should only be signed if you are convinced that adoption is the right way to go, for it’s very rare for adoptions to be undone.
Will I have to go to court?
Yes, and it’s not as bad as it sounds. The judge is your friend and protector. He or she is not there to judge you. Rather, the judge’s job is to make sure everything is done properly and to make sure you know what you’re doing. Unfortunately, not all states are as careful about adoption as Michigan is.
After finalization, will I need to have further contact with the agency?
Well, you don’t have to, but we sure hope we haven’t seen the last of you! At the least, we like to do a six months check up to see how you’re doing, and we keep your case open for a couple of years because it can take that long for you to bounce back from the loss you’ve endured. We encourage “our” birthparents to attend a Lifegivers Festival in the spring or fall to get to know other birthparents who have also chosen to entrust their children to adoptive parents. These gatherings are full of information, laughter, tears, and healing.
How soon can my baby be placed in her new home?
Immediately, on the basis of what is called a “temporary placement.”
May I select the religion I wish the couple to be?
When you choose a couple, you are in actuality also choosing a religion.
Can I be assured that my child will be brought up in that religion?
“Assured” is an interesting word that merits a comment or two. We think it’s better to use the language of “strong likelihood” rather than the language of guarantees. When you entrust your child to the care of carefully selected adoptive parents, the likelihood that the future holds good things is strong, but it’s not certain and it can’t honestly be “assured.” Adoptive parents do not lead charmed lives; they endure unemployment, sickness, and marital stress just like everyone else. There are no guarantees. If anyone offers you guarantees, run for you life ‘cause they’re not telling the truth!
Will there be help with my expenses?
We will work with you to find ways to cover your medical costs. This adoption journey is difficult enough without having to worry about debts and obligations. That said, we want to declare ourselves very clearly on this subject. If money is of great importance to you, we probably aren’t the best program for you. We are very reluctant to go down the money trail. We know money makes the world go round, but we also recognize that money has the capacity to wreck the adoption experience. We all know of friendships that dissolved over a $5 misunderstanding. We’re not just being cute when we note that money can cheapen this whole experience. It can subtly shift the underlying dynamic from loving cooperation to commerce.
Will I be able to see my baby in the hospital?
Absolutely! We hope you will spend lots of time with the baby. It’s important for you to greet this little rascal and celebrate her existence. Take all the time you need to savor this fantastic experience. Love him up! Take tons of pictures. Be bossy and assert your needs and wishes—you do everyone a favor by making your wishes clear.
Can I name the baby? Will the adoptive parents keep the name?
You certainly can name the baby, and we hope you will. This is a subject that birthfamilies and adoptive families routinely discuss, and the discussion often generates a name that everyone agrees to. It cannot be presumed, though, so it is important for everyone to be very clear about his or her wishes and intentions.
What may I send with my child?
We encourage the giving of gifts as they provide tangible witness to your love for this youngster. Keep in mind that a sentimental gift works better than keys to a new car or a deer rifle!
May I have pictures of my baby?
Of course, and lots of them, too. Hopefully you’ll be taking many of them yourself! The Internet has been a boon to the exchange of pictures.
What else should I know about?
Whether or not you move ahead with adoption, we give you a lot of credit for looking into it. It’s not the best outcome for everyone, but it’s a life-preserving answer to prayer for some. We have learned through the decades to do adoption well. We handle it in a way that pretty well meets the needs of everyone involved (most notably the child), but that certainly doesn’t mean that it is simple or easy. You need to know that adoption is an indescribably painful decision to make and carry out. Sometimes people sugarcoat it, but the truth of the matter for birthparents is that it involves an indescribable loss. The fact that it’s painful doesn’t make it bad—the right thing is often painful—it just means that it’s painful. You owe it to your baby to work hard in her behalf. Don’t for a minute settle for less than the best. Find a great agency to help you think things through and then find a great adoptive family. You are important to your child, and we hope you will remain an important person as his life moves forward. May God bless you as you work toward an outstanding conclusion.