Frequently Asked Questions for Prospective Adoptive Parents

1. Will we ever get picked? Don't birthparents prefer "fancy" people? As much as we would like to speak to this concern with great clarity, we must admit that the selection process is ultimately an unpredictable matter. We know what the last ten birthfamilies had in mind, but the next one may be looking for some very different factors. We hope you find encouragement in our observation that birthfamilies have been very sensible in their choosing experiences. Like everyone else, they are attracted to characteristics that are well regarded in our culture. They like people who are friendly, wholesome, successful yet humble, humorous, and active. More than anything, they are looking for families they can feel comfortable with and trust. Over and over again birthparents tell us they are looking for a family "that is just like mine but better prepared to look after a child." We have learned that it is far more important to be "big-hearted" than "fancy." We can't make guarantees--beware, by the way, of anyone who does--but we are confident that warm-hearted applicants who are blessed with a measure of patience will find their forbearance rewarded.
   
   
2. How long does it usually take to receive a child? This is, of course, an important and reasonable question. It is also a question we can't answer very precisely. In the old days there was a list that people worked their way up. It was a method of practice that ignored compatibility between families, but it did have the advantage of predictability. That system is long gone--there is no list to work your way up--so it is impossible to predict an exact timetable. Some couples, once they enter our "pool of available families," are literally chosen within days. Others may wait a few years. Historically, the average length of wait once folks turn in their portfolio has been somewhere between 12-18 months.
   
   
3. How often do birthparents change their minds? You've probably noticed that anytime something goes wrong with domestic adoption, the media is all over it. That sensational coverage no doubt sells papers, but, unfortunately, also creates an impression that proposed adoptions routinely fall apart. Our experience suggests that about 10-15% of the time birthfamilies change their thinking about adoption around the time of delivery. Most of the time we can all see it coming and are prepared for it. And here's something to think about: We're not so sure these turnabouts are as terrible as people sometimes make them out to be. We think it is a good and decent thing to give birthparents a chance to catch their breath and think things through, and we're pretty sure you see it the same way. Surely that's the way any of us would want to be treated if we were wearing their shoes. Take heart in the fact that once the legal forms have been signed in court--usually 3 or 4 weeks after the baby is born--the adoption is on solid ground and the anxiety passes.
   
   
4. Isn't international adoption safer than open adoption? While we rejoice that international adoption has worked well for so many people, "safe" is not the first word that comes to mind when we think about it. There is no way to avoid risk. Political regimes come and go, bureaucratic complications crop up, and middlemen angle for under-the-table dollars. More crucially, it is very difficult to predict how well institutionalized children will adapt to new surroundings. Many of them will present issues well beyond anything their well-meaning parents imagined. There are many good reasons to consider adopting internationally, but safety does not strike us as one of them.
   
   
5. What if we want an open adoption but the birthfamily doesn't? Relationships can never be forced. All any of us can do is hold up our end and remain genuinely available. As heartbreaking as it may be for our adoptive families, some birthfamilies start with lots of contact and then back away over time. More happily, other arrangements start slow and grow into robust relationships as the grief of the birthfamily diminishes and their trust grows. As we grow more skillful in our work with birthfamilies, we are happy to report that we are seeing more follow through from them. You can improve your chances of being chosen by a birthfamily that is very committed to maintaining an open adoption relationship by making your commitment to open adoption very clear in your portfolio.
   
   
6. What if we are selected by someone we don't really enjoy? Our process is designed to bring about as much compatibility between the involved parties as possible. Since birthparents look for common ground when they choose the adoptive family, the two families almost always hit it off. It is very unusual for the two families to not enjoy each other. To be on the safe side, though, the process features an initial "no obligation" meeting where the participants have an opportunity to get to know each other and see if they click. If either party is uncomfortable with the "fit," it is possible to go back to the drawing board without too much awkwardness. Up until the point where legal commitments are made, both families have the right to set aside prior plans. As we help bring people together in enduring adoptive relationships, we are always hoping they will become friends. Realistically, we know friendship is not always possible, so we say, "If not friends, at least friendly.” Also, there is always hope that the relationship will grow as you get to know each other better.
   
   
7. It looks like most of the planning is done prenatally. What if the baby is born unhealthy? Thankfully we do not have extensive experience with this scenario, but the times it has come up have been instructive. About half the time the birth of an unhealthy baby is occasion for the birthfamily to change their course and elect to raise the baby. In the remaining situations, the prospective adoptive family is posed with a choice. Half of them have chosen to move ahead with the adoption irrespective of the baby's health and the other half have stepped back so that another adoptive family more prepared for the particular challenges can be identified.
   
   
8. Can we just get a pre-placement assessment from the agency and do the rest on our own? No. There are agencies around the state that will offer segments of their services, but we only offer our program in its entirety. We believe that the major aspects of our work—education, evaluation, and support—are integrated into every phase of the process and should not be separated. We believe a quality adoption experience will feature continuity in philosophy, policy, and personnel.
   
   
9. We're a little overwhelmed and frightened by all this. Do you have anything to say to reassure us? It's normal to be a little apprehensive. Adoption is, after all, a life-altering experience and it ought to be approached judiciously. Perhaps the most helpful thing we can point out is that our system has worked for all sorts of folks who have preceded you. Most of the families going through the process tell us that, catch this, they "had a good time." Reach deep, step out in faith, and keep an open mind. Things will work out.
   
   
10. What can we do to help things to "work out?" The best policy by far is honesty. You help yourselves by making it easy for us to get to know you. If you have ideas and suggestions, please share them. If you are confused, be sure to ask questions. Stay flexible, and be prepared for change. Stay positive. Take time to consider what adoption means to all the parties involved. Train yourselves to think in terms of what is in the best interest of children.